can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
