sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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