i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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