dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
