i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
