If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
