i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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