The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Less talking, more tequila
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
we're so committed to being not committed
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
