You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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