I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
