I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
