I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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