i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Randomize
