my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
