Three words: puerto rican gang bang
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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