My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.