it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.