I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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