im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
