so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
