I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
