Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
