just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
