My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
