I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
