It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
