i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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