WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Found the puke drawer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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