listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
