$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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