Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
