I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
