it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
