When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
