I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You are a genius and a whore.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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