It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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