Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
