his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
