I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
