if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
