do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
