I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He felt like a one man threesome
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
