Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
