I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
