DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
