My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
