Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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