I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
