Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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