So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
