woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
