I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Drunk is not a location!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
