Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
