when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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