he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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