Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You can't special order awesome
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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