if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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