umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
