Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
