my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
